← [[appendix-e-f1a|Our First Duties as Carmelites]] | [[formation-I-a-handbook|Table of Contents]] | [[appendix-g-f1a|CCC 2697–2708 — Expressions of Prayer]] → # Meditative Reading — Chapter 10 of Story of a Soul Copyright Washington Province of Discalced Carmelites, Inc. 1996 for Third Edition (translation by Fr. John Clark, OCD). Copyright Study Edition 2005 (interpretive notes and discussion questions by Fr. Marc Foley, OCD) used with permission 2019. Chapter X: The Trial of Faith Thérèse and Her Prioress The Divine Elevator The First Hemoptysis The Table of Sinners The Call to the Foreign Missions What is Charity? J.M.J.T. 1\. You have told me, my dear Mother1, of your desire that I finish singing with you the Mercies of the Lord. 2 I began this sweet song with your dear daughter, Agnes of Jesus, who was the mother entrusted by God with guiding me in the days of my childhood. It was with her that I had to sing of the graces granted to the Blessed Virgin’s little flower when she was in the springtime of her life. And it is with you that I am to sing of the happiness of this little flower now that the timid glimmerings of the dawn have given way to the burning heat of noon. Yes, dear Mother, I shall try to express, in answer to your wishes,3 the sentiments of my soul, my gratitude to God and to you, who represent Him visibly to me, for was it not into your maternal hands that I delivered myself entirely to Him? Oh Mother, do you remember that day?4 Yes, I know your heart could not forget it. As for me, I must await heaven because I cannot find here on earth words capable of expressing what took place in my heart on that beautiful day. 2\. There is another day, my beloved Mother, when my soul was united to you even more, if that were possible, and that was the day you were entrusted once again with the burden of Superior. On that day, dear Mother, you sowed in tears, but you will be filled with joy in heaven when you see yourself entrusted with precious sheaves.5 Oh Mother, pardon my childish simplicity. I feel you will allow me to speak to you without considering what is allowed a young religious to say to her Prioress. Perhaps, at times, I will not keep within the 1 Mother Marie de Gonzague, elected Prioress March 21, 1896, succeeding Mother Agnes of Jesus. 2 Psalm 88:2. 3 June 3, 1897, at the suggestion of Mother Agnes of Jesus, Mother Marie de Gonzague ordered Thérèse to continue writing her memories. 4 The day of her Profession, September 8, 1890. 5 Psalm 125:5-6 50 01.24 1-24-2024Appendix F limits prescribed for subjects, but, dear Mother, I make bold to say this, it is your own fault. I am acting with you as a child because you do not act with me as a Prioress but a Mother. 3\. Ah! Dear Mother, I know very well that it is really God who is speaking to me through you. Many of the Sisters think that you spoiled me, that since my entrance into the holy ark, I have received from you nothing but caresses and compliments. Nevertheless it was not so. You will see, dear Mother, in the copybook containing my childhood memories, what I think of the strong and maternal education I received from you. From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you for not sparing me. Jesus knew very well that His little flower stood in need of the living waters of humiliation, for she was too weak to take root without this kind of help, and it was through you, dear Mother, that this blessing was given to me. 4\. For a year and a half now, Jesus has willed to change the manner of making His little flower grow. He has no doubt found her sufficiently watered, for now it is the sun that aids her growth. Jesus wants to give her nothing but her smile and this he does through you, dear Mother. This gentle sun, far from causing the little flower to wilt, makes her progress in a marvelous manner. She preserves, in the bottom of her calyx, the precious drops of dew she had received, and these serve to remind her always how little and weak she is. All creatures can bow toward her, admire her, and shower their praises upon her. I don’t know why this is, but none of this could add one single drop of false joy to the joy she experiences in her heart. Here she sees herself as she really is in God’s eyes: a poor little thing, nothing at all. 5\. I say I do not know why, but isn’t it because she was preserved from the water of praise all the time her little calyx was not sufficiently filled with the dew of humiliation? Now there is no longer any danger; on the contrary, the little flower finds the dew with which she was filled so delightful that she would be careful not to exchange it for the insipid water of praise. 6\. I don’t want to speak, dear Mother, about the love and confidence you are giving me; but do not believe the heart of your child is insensible to these. It is only that I feel I have nothing to fear now. In fact, I can rejoice in them, referring to God whatever good there is in me since He has willed to place it there. If He pleases to make me appear better than I am, this is none of my affair since He is free to act as He likes. 7\. Oh Mother, how different are the ways through which the Lord leads souls! In the life of the saints, we find many of them who didn’t want to leave anything of themselves behind after their death, not the smallest souvenir, not the least bit of writing. On the contrary, there are others, like our holy Mother St Teresa, who have enriched the Church with their lofty revelations, having no fears of revealing the secrets of the King6 in order that they may make Him more loved and known by souls. Which of these two types of saints is more pleasing to God? It seems to me, Mother, they are equally pleasing to Him, since all of them followed the inspiration of the Holy Spirit and since the Lord has said: “Tell the just man ALL is well.”7 Yes, all is well when one seeks only the will of Jesus, and it is because of this that I, a poor little flower, obey Jesus when trying to please my beloved Mother. You know, Mother, that I have always wanted to be a saint. Alas! I have always noticed that when I compared myself 6 Tobit 12:7. 7 Isaiah 3:10. 51 to the saints, there is between them and me the same difference that exists between a mountain whose summit is lost in the clouds and the obscure grain of sand trampled underfoot by passers-by. Instead of becoming discouraged, I said to myself: God cannot inspire unrealizable desires. I can, then, in spite of my littleness, aspire to holiness. It is impossible for me to grow up, and so I must bear with myself such as I am with all my imperfections. But I want to seek a means of going to heaven by a little way, a way that is very straight, very short, and totally new. 8\. We are living now in an age of inventions. And we no longer have to take the trouble of climbing stairs, for, in the homes of the rich, an elevator has replaced these very successfully. I wanted to find an elevator which would raise me to Jesus, for I am too small to climb the rough stairway to perfection. I searched, then, in the Scriptures for some sign of this elevator, the object of my desires and I read these words coming from the mouth of Eternal Wisdom: “Whoever is a LITTLE ONE, let him come to me.”8 And so I succeeded. I felt I had found what I was looking for. But wanting to know, O my God, what You would do to the very little one who answered Your call, I continued my search and this is what I discovered: “As one whom a mother caresses, so I will comfort you, you shall be carried at the breasts, and upon the knees they shall caress you.”9 Ah! never did words more tender and more melodious come to give joy to my soul. The elevator which must raise me to heaven is Your arms, O Jesus! And for this I had no need to grow up, but rather I had to remain little and become this more and more. 9\. O my God, You surpassed all my expectation. I want only to sing to Your mercies. “You have taught me from my youth, O God, and until now I will declare Your wonderful works. And until old age and gray hairs, O God, forsake me not.”10 What will this old age be for me? It seems this could be right now, for 2000 years are not more in the Lord’s eyes than 20 years, than even a single day.11 10\. Ah! don’t think, dear Mother, that your child wants to leave you; don’t think she feels it is a greater grace to die at the dawn of the day rather than at its close. What she esteems and what she desires is only to please Jesus. Now that He seems to be approaching her in order to draw her into the place of His glory, your child is filled with joy. For a long time she has understood that God needs no one (much less her) to do good on earth. Pardon me, Mother, if I make you sad because I really want only to give you joy. Do you believe that though your prayers are not really heard on earth, though Jesus separates the child from its mother for a few days, that these prayers will be answered in heaven? 11\. Your desire, I know, is that I carry out at your side a very sweet and easy mission;12 but shall I not be able to finish it from the height of heaven? You said to me, just as Jesus one day said 8 Proverbs 9:4. 9 Isaiah 66:13,12. 10 Psalm 70:17-18. 11 Psalm 89:4. 12 Thérèse was helping Mother Marie with the training of the novices ever since the latter’s election of March 21, 52 01.24 1-24-2024Appendix F to St. Peter: “Feed my lambs.”13 I was astonished and told you that I was too little; I begged you to feed your lambs yourself, and to keep me and have me feed with them. And you, dear Mother, responded a little to my just request, retained the little lambs with the sheep;14 but you ordered me to go often and pasture with them in the shade, pointing out the best and most nourishing herbs, showing me the bright flowers they must not touch except to trample them under their feet. 12\. You didn’t fear, dear Mother, that I would lead your little lambs astray. My lack of experience and my youthfulness did not frighten you in the least. Perhaps you remembered that often the Lord is pleased to grant wisdom to the little ones, and that one day, in a transport of joy, He blessed His Father for having hidden His secrets from the wise and prudent and for revealing them to the little ones. 15 13\. Mother, you know those souls are rare who don’t measure divine power according to their own narrow minds; people want exceptions everywhere on earth, but God alone hasn’t the right to make any exceptions! For a very long time, I have known that this way of measuring experience according to years is practiced among human beings. For instance, the holy King David has sung to the Lord: “I am YOUNG and despised.”16 And in the same Psalm 118, he does not hesitate to add: “I have had understanding above old men, because I sought your will. Your word is a lamp to my feet, I am prepared to carry out your commandments and I am TROUBLED ABOUT NOTHING.”17 14\. You did not hesitate, dear Mother, to tell me one day that God was enlightening my soul and that He was giving me the experience of years. O Mother! I am too little to have any vanity now, I am too little to compose beautiful sentences in order to have you believe that I have a lot of humility. I prefer to agree very simply that the Almighty has done great things in the soul of His divine Mother’s child, and the greatest thing is to have shown her her littleness, her impotence. 15\. Dear Mother, you know well that God has deigned to make me pass through many types of trials. I have suffered very much since I was on earth, but, if in my childhood I suffered with sadness, it is no longer in this way that I suffer. It is with joy and peace. I am truly happy to suffer. O Mother, you must know all the secrets of my soul in order not to smile when you read these lines, for is there a soul less tried than my own if one judges by appearances? Ah! if the trial I am suffering for a year now18 appeared to the eyes of anyone, what astonishment would be felt! 16\. Dear Mother, you know about this trial; I am going to speak to you about it, however, for I consider it as a great grace I received during your office as Prioress. 13 John 21:15. 14 Mother Marie de Gonzague combined the office of Prioress Novice Mistress. The “little lambs” were the novices; the “sheep,” the professed religious. 15 Matthew 11:25. 16 Psalm 118:141. 17 Psalm 118:100, 105, 60. 18 Her temptation against faith, which lasted from Easter 1896. 53 17\. God granted me last year, the consolation of observing the fast during Lent in all its rigor. Never had I felt so strong, and this strength remained with me until Easter. On Good Friday, however, Jesus wished to give me the hope of going to see Him soon in heaven. Oh! how sweet this memory really is! After remaining at the Tomb19 until midnight, I returned to our cell, but I had scarcely laid my head on the pillow when I felt something like a bubbling stream mounting to my lips. I didn’t know what it was, but I thought that perhaps I was going to die and my soul was flooded with joy. However, as our lamp was extinguished, I told myself I would have to wait until the morning to be certain of my good fortune, for it seemed to me that it was blood I had coughed up. The morning was not long in coming; upon awakening, I thought immediately of the joyful thing that I had to learn, and so I went over to the window. I was able to see that I was not mistaken. Ah! my soul was filled with a great consolation; I was interiorly persuaded that Jesus, on the anniversary of His own death, wanted to have me hear his first call. It was like a sweet and distant murmur that announced the Bridegroom’s arrival. 20 18\. It was with great fervor that I assisted at Prime and the Chapter of Pardons.21 I was in a rush to see my turn come in order to be able, when asking pardon from you, to confide my hope and my happiness to you, dear Mother; however I added that I was not suffering in the least (which was true) and I begged you, Mother, to give me nothing special. In fact, I had the consolation of spending Good Friday just as I desired. Never did Carmel’s austerities appear so delightful to me; the hope of going to heaven soon transported me with joy. When the evening of that blessed day arrived, I had to go to my rest; but just as on the preceding night, good Jesus gave me the same sign that my entrance into eternal life was not far off. 19\. At this time I was enjoying such a living faith, such a clear faith, that the thought of heaven made up all my happiness, and I was unable to believe there were really impious people who had no faith. I believed they were speaking against their own inner convictions when they denied the existence of heaven, that beautiful heaven where God Himself wanted to be their Eternal Reward. During those very joyful days of the Easter season, Jesus made me feel that there really were souls that have no faith, and who, through the abuse of grace, lost this precious treasure, the source of the only real and pure joys. He permitted my soul to be invaded by the thickest darkness, and that the thought of heaven, up until then so sweet to me, be no longer anything but the cause of struggle and torment. This trial was to last not a few days or a few weeks, it was not to be extinguished until the hour set by God Himself and this hour has not yet come. I would like to be able to express what I felt, but alas! I believe this is impossible. One would have to travel through this dark tunnel to understand its darkness. I will try to explain it by a comparison. 20\. I imagine I was born in a country that is covered in thick fog. I never had the experience of contemplating the joyful appearance of nature flooded and transformed by the brilliance of the sun. It is true that from childhood I heard people speak of these marvels, and I know the 19 The Altar of Reposition. The Carmelite Nuns remain all night in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament. 20 The Imitation of Christ III, 47. 21 On Good Friday the Prioress customarily gave the community an exhortation to greater charity; then each begged pardon from her Sisters. 54 01.24 1-24-2024Appendix F country I am living in is not really my true fatherland, and there is another I must long for without ceasing. This is not simply a story invented by someone living in the sad country where I am, but it is a reality, for the King of the Fatherland of the bright sun actually came and lived for thirty-three years in this land of darkness. Alas! the darkness did not understand this Divine King was the Light of the world. 22 21\. Your child, however, O Lord, has understood Your divine light, and she begs pardon for her brothers. She is resigned to eat the bread of sorrow as long as You desire it; she does not wish to rise up from this table filled with bitterness at which poor sinners are eating until the day set by You. Can she not say in her name and in the name of her brothers, “Have pity on us, O Lord, for we are poor sinners!”23 Oh! Lord, send us away justified. May all those who were not enlightened by the bright flame of faith one day see it shine. O Jesus! if it is needful that the table soiled by them be purified by a soul who loves You, then I desire to eat this bread of trial at this table until it pleases You to bring me into Your bright Kingdom. The only grace I ask of You is that I never offend You! 22\. What I am writing, dear Mother, has no continuity; my little story which resembled a fairy tale is all of a sudden changed into a prayer, and I don’t know what interest you could possibly have in reading all these confused and poorly expressed ideas. Well, dear Mother, I am not writing to produce a literary work, but only through obedience, and if I cause you any boredom, then at least you will see that your little child has given proof of her good will. I am going to continue my little comparison where I left off. 23\. I was saying that certainty of going away one day far from the sad and dark country had been given me from the day of my childhood. I did not believe this only because I heard it from persons much more knowledgeable than I, but I felt in the bottom of my heart real longing for this most beautiful country. Just as the genius of Christopher Columbus gave him a presentiment of a new world when nobody had even thought of such a thing; so also I felt that another land would one day serve me as a permanent dwelling place. Then suddenly the fog that surrounds me becomes more dense; it penetrates my soul and envelops it in such a way that it is impossible to discover within it the sweet image of my Fatherland; everything has disappeared! When I want to rest my heart fatigued by the darkness that surrounds it by the memory of the luminous country after which I aspire, my torment redoubles; it seems to me that the darkness, borrowing the voice of sinners, says mockingly to me: “You are dreaming about the light, about a fatherland embalmed in the sweetest perfumes; you are dreaming about the eternal possession of the Creator of all these marvels; you believe that one day you will walk out of this fog that surrounds you! Advance, advance; rejoice in death which will give you not what you hope for but a night still more profound, the night of nothingness.” 24\. Dear Mother, the image I wanted to give you of the darkness that obscures my soul is as imperfect as a sketch is to the model; however I don’t want to write any longer about it; I fear I might blaspheme; I fear even that I have already said too much. 22 John 1:5, 9 23 Luke 18:13 55 25\. Ah! may Jesus pardon me if I have caused Him any pain, but He knows very well that while I do not have the joy of faith, I am trying to carry out its works at least. I believe I have made more acts of faith in this past year than all through my whole life. At each new occasion of combat, when my enemies provoke me, I conduct myself bravely. Knowing it is cowardly to enter into a duel, I turn my back on my adversaries without deigning to look them in the face; but I run toward my Jesus. I tell Him I am ready to shed my blood to the last drop to profess my faith in the existence of heaven. I tell Him, too, I am happy not to enjoy this beautiful heaven on this earth so that He will open it for all eternity to poor unbelievers. Also, in spite of this trial which has taken away all my joy, I can nevertheless cry out: “You have given me DELIGHT, O Lord in ALL Your doings.”24 For is there a joy greater than that of suffering out of love for You? The more interior the suffering is and the less apparent to the eyes of creatures, the more it rejoices You, O my God! But if my suffering was really unknown to You, which is impossible, I would still be happy to have it, if through it I could prevent or make reparation for one single sin against faith. 26\. My dear Mother, I may perhaps appear to you to be exaggerating my trial. In fact, if you are judging according to the sentiments I expressed in my little poems composed this year, I must appear to you as a soul filled with consolations and one for whom the veil of faith is almost torn aside; and yet it is no longer a veil for me, it is a wall which reaches right up to the heavens and covers the starry firmament. When I sing of the happiness of heaven and of the eternal possessions of God, I feel no joy in this, for I sing simply what I WANT TO BELIEVE. It is true that at times a very small ray comes to illumine my darkness, and then the trial ceases for an instant, but afterwards the memory of this ray, instead of causing joy makes my darkness even more dense. 27\. Never have I felt before this, dear Mother, how sweet and merciful the Lord really is, for he did not send me this trial until the moment I was capable of bearing it. a little earlier I believe it would have plunged me into a state of discouragement. Now it is taking away everything that could be a natural satisfaction in my desire for heaven. Dear Mother, it seems to me now that nothing could prevent me from flying away, for I no longer have any great desires except that of loving to the point of dying of love. June 9.25 28\. I am totally surprised, dear Mother, when I see what I wrote yesterday. What scribbling! My hand was trembling so much that I found it impossible to continue and I even regret having tried to write. I hope that today I will write more legibly, for I am no longer in bed but in a pretty little white armchair. 29\. I feel that everything I said has no continuity to it, but I feel, too, the necessity of telling you my present feelings before speaking to you about the past. Perhaps later on I will have completely forgotten about them. I wish first of all to tell you how much I am touched by all your maternal attention. Ah! believe it, Mother, the heart of your child is filled with gratitude, and never will she forget what she owes you. 24 Psalm 91:5 25 The date, June 9, is written in pencil at the bottom of the page of her manuscript. It commemorates the second anniversary of her Act of Oblation to Merciful Love, June 9, 1895. 56 01.24 1-24-2024Appendix F 30\. Mother, what touches me above all else is the novena you are making at Our Lady of Victories,26 I mean the Masses you are having offered up to obtain my cure. I feel all these spiritual treasures do great good to my soul; at the commencement of the novena I told you the Blessed Virgin would have to cure me or carry me off to heaven because I find it very sad for you and the community to have to take care of a sick young religious. But now I would want to be sick all my life if this pleases God, and I even consent to my life being very long; the only favor I desire is that it be broken through love. 31\. Oh! no, I do not have any fears of a long life and I do not refuse the fight, for the Lord is the Rock to which I am raised. “He teaches my hands to fight, and my fingers to make war. He is my protector, and I have hoped in him!”27 I never did ask God for the favor of dying young, but I have always hoped this would be His will for me. Frequently God is satisfied with the desire of working for His glory, and you know my desires have been great, dear Mother. You are aware, too, that Jesus has offered me more than one bitter chalice which He removed from my lips before I drank it, but not before making me taste its bitterness. The holy King David was right, dear Mother, when he sang: “How sweet and pleasant it is for brothers to live together in unity.”28 It is true, I felt this very often, but on this earth this unity must take place in the midst of sacrifices. I didn’t come to Carmel to live with my sisters but to answer Jesus’ call. Ah! I really felt in advance that this living with one’s own sisters had to be the cause of continual suffering when one wishes to grant nothing to one’s natural inclinations. How can anyone say it is more perfect to separate oneself from one’s blood relatives? Has anyone ever found fault with brothers who were fighting on the same field of battle? Are brothers blamed when they fight together for the martyr’s palm? Undoubtedly, as some have rightly judged, they are a source of encouragement to one another, but still the martyrdom of each becomes the martyrdom of all. And it is the same in the religious life, which has been called a daily martyrdom by theologians. When the human heart gives itself to God, it loses nothing of its innate tenderness; in fact, this tenderness grows when it becomes more pure and more divine. 32\. I love you, dear Mother, with this tenderness, and I love my sisters too. I am happy to fight as a family for the glory of heaven’s King. However, I am prepared to fight on another battlefield if the Divine General expresses His desire that I do so. A command would not be necessary, only a look, a simple sign. 33\. Since my entrance into the blessed ark, I have always thought that if Jesus did not bring me swiftly to heaven, my lot would be the same as that of Noah’s little dove: the Lord would open the window of the ark one day, telling me to fly very far, toward infidel shores, carrying with me the little olive branch. Dear Mother, this thought has matured my soul, making me soar higher than all created things. I understood that even in Carmel there could still be separation, and that only in heaven will the union be complete and eternal; so I wanted my soul to dwell in the heavens, and that it look upon the things of earth only from a distance. I accepted not only exile for myself among an unknown people, but also, and this was far more 26 The novena began June 5, 1897. 27 Psalm 143:1-2. 28 Psalm 132:1 57 bitter for me, I accepted exile for my sisters. Never shall I forget August 2, 1896; that day was precisely the day of the missionaries’ departure,29 and there was serious consideration of the departure of Mother Agnes of Jesus. Ah! I would not have desired to make any move to prevent her leaving; I felt, however, a great sadness in my heart, for I found that her very sensitive and delicate soul was not made to live in the midst of souls who could not understand her; a thousand other thoughts crowded into my mind, and Jesus was silent; He was giving no commands to the storm. I said to Him: My God, I accept everything out of love for You: if you will it I really want to suffer even to the point of dying of grief. Jesus was content with this acceptance. However, a few months after this, they spoke of the departure of Sister Geneviève and Sister Marie of the Trinity. Then this was another kind of suffering, very intimate, very deep; I imagined all the trials, the disappointments they would suffer, and my heaven was covered with clouds; calm and peace remained only in the depths of my heart. 34\. Dear Mother, your own prudence was able to discover God’s will and in His name you forbade your novices to think of leaving the cradle of their religious childhood; but you understood their aspirations since you had asked in your own youthful days to go to Saigon. It is thus that the desires of Mothers find an echo in the soul of their children. O dear Mother, your apostolic desire finds a faithful echo in my own soul, as you know; but let me confide why I desired and still desire, if the Blessed Virgin cures me, to leave the delightful oasis where I have lived so happily under you motherly care, and to go into a foreign land. 35\. Dear Mother, as you told me, a very special vocation is necessary to live in foreign Carmels. Many believe they are called to this, but it isn’t so. You told me, too, that I had this vocation and only my poor health stood in the way. I know very well this obstacle would disappear if God were calling me to the missions, and so I live without any unrest. If I have to leave my dear Carmel some day it would not be without pain, for Jesus has not given me an indifferent heart. And precisely because my heart is capable of suffering I want it to give Jesus everything possible. Here, I receive your motherly attention and do not feel the pinch of poverty since I never lack anything. But here, above all, I am loved by you and all the Sisters, and this affection is very sweet to me. This is why I dream of a monastery where I shall be unknown, where I would suffer from poverty, the lack of affection, and finally, the exile of the heart. 36\. Ah! it is not with any intention of rendering services to the Carmel which would receive me that I would leave everything dear to me, but I know my incapacity, and I know that in doing my very best I would not succeed in doing well, having, as I just said, no knowledge of the things of earth. My one purpose, then, would be to accomplish the will of God, to sacrifice myself for Him in the way that would please Him. 37\. I really feel that I would have no disappointment, for when one expects pure and unmixed suffering, the smallest joy becomes and unhoped-for surprise. And you know, Mother, that suffering itself becomes the greatest of joys when one seeks it as the most precious of treasures. 29 August 2, 1896, /Father Roulland, the Saint’s spiritual brother, left from Marseilles for China, accompanied by two other missionaries. 58 01.24 1-24-2024Appendix F 38\. Oh, no! it is not with the intention of enjoying the fruit of my labors that I would want to leave; and if my purpose were that, I would not feel this sweet peace which floods me and would actually suffer at not being able to realize my vocation for the foreign missions. For a long time I have not belonged to myself since I delivered myself totally to Jesus, and He is therefore free to do with me as He pleases. He has given me the attraction for a complete exile and He has made me understand all the sufferings I would meet with, asking me if I would want to drink this chalice to the dregs; I wanted to seize this cup immediately when Jesus presented it, but He withdrew His hand and made me understand my that resignation alone was pleasing to Him. 39\. Mother, what anxieties the Vow of Obedience frees us from! How happy are simple religious! Their only compass being their Superiors’ will, they are always sure of being on the right road; they have nothing to fear from being mistaken even when it seems their Superiors are wrong. But when they cease to look upon the infallible compass, when they stray from the way it indicates under the pretext of doing God’s will, unclear at times even to His representatives, then they wander into arid paths where the water of grace is soon lacking. 40\. Dear Mother, you are the compass Jesus has given me as a sure guide to the eternal shore. How sweet it is to fix my eyes upon you and thus accomplish the will of the Lord! Since the time He permitted me to suffer temptations against the faith, He has greatly increased the spirit of faith in my heart, which helps me to see in you not only a loving Mother but also Jesus living in your soul and communicating His will through you. I know very well, dear Mother, you are treating me as a feeble soul, a spoiled child, and as a consequence I have no trouble in carrying the burden of obedience. But because of what I feel in my heart, I would not change my attitude toward you, nor would my love decrease if it pleased you to treat me severely. I would once more see that it is the will of Jesus that you were acting in this way for the greater good of my soul. 41\. This year, dear Mother, God has given me the grace to understand what charity is; I understood it before, it is true, but in an imperfect way. I had never fathomed the meaning of these words of Jesus: “The second commandment is like the first: you shall love you neighbor as yourself.”30 I applied myself especially to loving God, and it is in loving Him that I understood my love was not to be expressed only in words, for: “It is not those who say: ‘Lord, Lord!’ who will enter the kingdom of heaven, but those who do the will of my Father in heaven.”31 Jesus has revealed this will several times or I should say on almost every page of His Gospel. But at the Last Supper, when he knew the hearts of His disciples were burning with a more ardent love for Him who had just given Himself to them in the unspeakable mystery of His Eucharist, this sweet Savior wished to give them a new commandment. He said to them with inexpressible tenderness: “A new commandment I give you that you love one another: THAT AS I HAVE LOVED YOU, YOU ALSO LOVE ONE ANOTHER. By this will all men know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”32 30 Matthew 22:39. 31 Matthew 7:21. 32 John 13:34-35. 59 42\. How did Jesus love His disciples and why did He love them? Ah! it was not their natural qualities that could have attracted Him, since there was between Him and them an infinite distance. He was knowledge, Eternal Wisdom, while they were poor ignorant fisherman filled with earthly thoughts. And still Jesus called them His friends, His brothers. 33 He desires to see them reign with Him in the kingdom of His Father, and to open that kingdom to them He wills to die on the cross, for He said: “Greater love than this no man has than he lay down his life for his friends.”34 43\. Dear Mother, when meditating upon these words of Jesus, I understood how imperfect was my love for my Sisters. I saw I didn’t love them as God loves them. Ah! I understand now that charity consists in bearing with the faults of others, in not being surprised at their weakness, in being edified by the smallest acts of virtue we see them practice. But I understood above all that charity must not remain hidden in the bottom of the heart. Jesus has said: “No one lights a lamp and puts it under a bushel basket, but upon the lampstand to give light to ALL in the house.”35 It seems to me that this lamp represents charity which must enlighten and rejoice not only those who are dearest to us but “ALL who are in the house” without distinction. 44\. When the Lord commanded His people to love their neighbor as themselves,36 He had not as yet come upon the earth. Knowing the extent to which each one loved himself, He was not able to ask of His creatures a greater love than this for one’s neighbor. But when Jesus gave His Apostles a new commandment, HIS OWN COMMANDMENT,37 as He calls it later on, it is no longer a question of loving one’s neighbor as oneself but of loving as He, Jesus, has loved him, and will love him to the consummation of the ages. 45\. Ah! Lord, I know you don’t command the impossible. You know better than I do my weakness and imperfection; You know very well that never could I love my Sisters as You love them, unless You, O my Jesus, loved them in me. It is because You wanted to give me this grace that You made Your new commandment. Oh! how I love this new commandment since it gives me the assurance that your will is to love in me all those You command me to love! 46\. Yes, I feel it, when I am charitable, it is Jesus alone who is acting in me, and the more I am united to Him, the more also do I love my Sisters. When I wish to increase this love in me, and when especially the devil tries to place before the eyes of my soul the faults of such and such a Sister who is less attractive to me, I hasten to search out her virtues, her good intentions; I tell myself that even if I did see her fall once, she could easily have won a great number of victories which she is hiding through humility, and even what appears to me as a fault can very easily be an act of virtue because of her intention. I have no trouble convincing myself of the truth because of a little experience I had which showed me we must never judge. 33 John 15:15. 34 John 15:13. 35 Matthew 5:15. 36 Leviticus 19:18. 37 John 15:12. 60 01.24 1-24-2024Appendix F 47\. During recreation the portress rang twice; the large workman’s gate had to be opened to bring in some trees for the crib. Recreation was not too gay because you were not there, dear Mother, and I thought that if they sent me to serve as third party38 I would be happy; at exactly that moment Mother Subprioress told me to go and serve in this capacity, or else the Sister who was at my side. Immediately I began to untie our apron but slowly in order that my companion untie hers before me, for I thought of giving her the pleasure of serving as third party. The Sister who was replacing the Procuratrix was looking at us, and seeing me get up last, she said: “Ah! I thought as much, that you were not going to gain this pearl for your crown, you were going too slowly.” 48\. Certainly, the whole community believed I had acted through selfishness, and I cannot say how much good such a small thing did to my soul, making me indulgent toward the weaknesses of others. This incident prevents me from being vain when I am judged favorably because I say to myself: Since one can take my little acts of virtue for imperfections, one can also be mistaken in taking for virtue what is nothing but imperfection. Then I say with St. Paul: “To me it is a very small thing to be judged by you, or by any human tribunal, but neither do I judge myself. He who judges me is THE LORD.”39 49\. In order that this judgment be favorable or rather that I be not judged at all, I want to be charitable in my thoughts toward others at all times, for Jesus has said: “Judge not, and you shall not be judged.”40 50\. Mother, when reading what I have just written, you could believe that the practice of charity is not difficult for me. It is true; for several months now I no longer have to struggle to practice this beautiful virtue. I don’t mean by this that I no longer have any faults; ah! I am too imperfect for that. but I mean that I don’t have any trouble in rising when I have fallen because in a certain combat I won a great victory; and the heavenly militia now comes to my aid since it cannot bear seeing me defeated after having seen me victorious in the glorious battle I am going to try to describe. 51\. There is in the Community a Sister who has the faculty of displeasing me in everything, in her ways, her words, her character, everything seems very disagreeable to me. And still she is a holy religious who must be very pleasing to God. Not wishing to give in to the natural antipathy I was experiencing, I told myself that charity must not consist in feelings but in works; then I set myself to doing for this Sister what I would do for the person I loved the most. Each time I met her I prayed to God for her, offering Him all her virtues and merits. I felt this was pleasing to Jesus, for there is no artist who doesn’t like to receive praise for his works, and Jesus, the Artist of souls, is happy when we don’t stop at the exterior, but, penetrating into the inner sanctuary where He chooses to dwell, we admire its beauty. I wasn’t content simply with praying very much for this Sister who gave me so many struggles, but I took care to render her all the services possible, and when I was tempted to answer her back in a disagreeable manner, I was content with giving her my most friendly smile, and with 38 The religious who accompanied the Procuratrix when laborers had to work in the monastery. 39 1 Corinthians 4:3-4. 40 Luke 6:37. 61 changing the subject of the conversation, for the Imitation says: “It is better to leave each one in his own opinion than to enter into arguments.”41 52\. Frequently when I was at recreation (I mean during the work periods) and had occasion to work with this Sister, I used to run away whenever my struggles became too violent. As she was absolutely unaware of my feelings for her, never did she suspect the motives for my conduct and she remained convinced that her character was very pleasing to me. One day at recreation she asked in almost these words: “Would you tell me, Sister Thérèse of the Child Jesus, what attracts you so much toward me; every time you look at me, I see you smile?” Ah what attracted me was Jesus hidden in the depths of her soul; Jesus who makes sweet what is most bitter.42 I answered that I was smiling because I was happy to see her (it is understood that I did not add that this was from a spiritual standpoint). 53\. Dear Mother, I have already told you that my last means of not being defeated in combats is desertion; I was already using this means during my novitiate, and it always succeeded perfectly with me. I wish, Mother, to give you an example which I believe will make you smile. During one of your bronchial attacks, I came to your cell very quietly one morning to return the keys of the Communion grating since I was sacristan. I wasn’t too displeased at having this opportunity to see you; I was very much pleased, but I didn’t dare to show it. A Sister, animated with a holy zeal, and one who loved me very much, believed I was going to awaken you when she saw me entering your quarters; she wanted to take the keys from me. I was too stubborn to give them to her and cede my rights. As politely as I could, I told her that it was my duty to return the keys. I understand now that it would have been more perfect to cede to this Sister, young, it is true, but still older than I. I did not understand it at the time, and as I wanted absolutely to enter in spite of the fact that she was pushing the door to prevent me, very soon the thing we feared most happened: the racket we were making made you open your eyes. Then Mother, everything tumbled upon me. The poor Sister whom I had resisted began to deliver a whole discourse, the gist of which was: It’s Sister Thérèse of the Child Jesus who made the noise; my God, how disagreeable she is, etc. I, who felt just the contrary, had a great desire to defend myself. Happily, there came a bright idea into my mind, I told myself that if I began to justify myself I would not be able to retain my peace of soul. I felt, too, that I did not have enough virtue to permit myself to be accused without saying a word. My last plank of salvation was in flight. No sooner thought than done. I left without fuss, allowing the Sister to continue her discourse which resembled the imprecations of Camillus against the city of Rome. My heart was beating so rapidly that it was impossible for me to go far, and I sat down on the stairs in order to savor the fruits of my victory. There was no bravery there, Mother; however, I believe it was much better for me not to expose myself to combat when there was certain defeat facing me. 54\. Alas! when I think of the time of my novitiate I see how imperfect I was. I made so much fuss over such little things that it makes me laugh now. Ah! how good the Lord is in having matured my soul, and in having given it wings. All the nets of the hunters would not be able 41 The Imitation of Christ III, 44:1. 42 The Imitation of Christ III, 5:3. 62 01.24 1-24-2024Appendix F to frighten me, for: “… the net is spread in vain before the eyes on them who have wings.”43 Later on, no doubt, the time in which I am now will appear filled with imperfections, but now I am astonished at nothing. I am not disturbed at seeing myself weakness itself. On the contrary, it is in my weakness that I glory,44 and I expect each day to discover new imperfections in myself. Remembering that “charity covers a multitude of sins,”45 I draw from this rich mine that Jesus has opened before me. 55\. The Lord, in the Gospel, explains in what His new commandment consists. He says in St. Matthew: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love you neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies … pray for those who persecute you.”46 No doubt we don’t have any enemies in Carmel, but there are feelings. One feels attracted to this Sister, whereas with regard to another, one would make a long detour around in order to avoid meeting her. And so, without even knowing it, she becomes the subject of persecution. Well, Jesus is telling me that it is this Sister who must be loved, she must be prayed for even though her conduct would lead me to believe that she doesn’t love me: “If you love those who love you, what reward will you have? For even sinners love those who love them.”47 St. Luke, VI. And it isn’t enough to love; we must prove it. We are naturally happy to offer a gift to a friend; we love especially to give surprises; this is not charity, for sinners do this too. Here is what Jesus teaches me also: “Give to EVERYONE who asks of you, and from HIM WHO TAKES AWAY your goods, ask no return.”48 Giving to all those who ask is less sweet than offering oneself by the movement of one’s own heart; again when they ask for something politely, it doesn’t cost so much to give, but if, unfortunately, they don’t use very delicate words, the soul is immediately up in arms if she is not well founded in charity. She finds a thousand reasons to refuse what is asked of her, and it is only after having convinced the asker of her tactlessness that she will finally give what is asked, and then only for a favor; or she will render a light service which could have been done in one-twentieth of the time that was spent in setting forth her imaginary rights. 56\. Although it is difficult to give to one who asks, it is even more so to allow one to take what belongs to you, without asking it back. O Mother, I say it is difficult; I should have said that this seems difficult, for the yoke of the Lord is sweet and light. 49 When one accepts it, one feels its sweetness immediately, and cries out with the Psalmist: “I have run the way of your commandments when you enlarged my heart.”50 It is only charity that can expand my heart. O Jesus, since this sweet flame consumes it, I run with joy in the way of Your NEW commandment. I want to run in it until that blessed day when, joining the virginal procession, I shall be able to follow You in the heavenly courts, singing Your NEW canticle which must be Love. 43 Proverbs 1:17. 44 2 Corinthians 12:5. 45 Proverbs 10:12. 46 Matthew 5:43-44. 47 Luke 6:32. 48 Luke 6:30. 49 Matthew 11:30. 50 Psalm 118:32. 63 57\. I was saying, Jesus does not want me to lay claim to what belongs to me; and this should seem easy and natural to me since nothing is mine. I have renounced the goods of this earth through the Vow of Poverty, and so I haven’t the right to complain when one takes a thing that is not mine. On the contrary, I should rejoice when it happens that I feel the pinch of poverty. Formerly, it seemed to me that I was attached to nothing, but ever since I understood the words of Jesus, I see that on occasions I am very imperfect. For example, in my work of painting there is nothing that belongs to me, I know. But if, when I am preparing for some work, I find that the brushes and the paints are in disorder, if a rule or penknife has disappeared, patience is very close to abandoning me and I must take my courage in both hands in order to reclaim the missing object without bitterness. We really have to ask for indispensable things, but when we do it with humility, we are not failing in the commandment of Jesus; on the contrary, we are acting like the poor who extend their hand to receive what is necessary for them; if they are rebuked they are not surprised, as no one owes them anything. 58\. Ah! what peace floods the soul when she rises above natural feelings. No, there is no joy comparable to that which the truly poor in spirit experience. If such a one asks for something with detachment, and if this thing is not only refused but one tries to take away what one already has, the poor in spirit follow Jesus’ counsel: “If anyone take away your coat, let go your cloak also.”51 59\. To give up one’s cloak is, it seems to me, renouncing one’s ultimate rights; it is considering oneself as the servant and the slave of others. When one has left his cloak, it is much easier to walk, to run, and Jesus adds: “And whoever forces you to go one mile, go two more with him.”52 Thus it is not enough to give to everyone who asks;53 I must even anticipate their desires, appear to be very much obliged and honored to render service, and if anyone takes something which is for my use, I must not appear to be sorry about this but happy at being relieved of it. Dear Mother, I am very far from practicing what I understand, and still the desire alone I have of doing it gives me peace. 60\. I feel that I have explained myself poorly, even more so than on the other days. I made a kind of discourse on charity which must have tired you when you were reading it. Pardon me, dear Mother, and remember at this very moment the infirmarians practice in my regard what I have just written; they don’t hesitate to take two thousand paces when twenty would suffice.54 So I have been able to contemplate charity in action! Undoubtedly my soul is embalmed with it; as far as my mind is concerned I admit it is paralyzed in the presence of such devotedness, and my pen has lost its lightness. In order for me to translate my thoughts, I have to be like the solitary sparrow, 55 and this is rarely my lot. When I begin to take up my pen, behold a Sister who passes by, a pitchfork on her shoulder. She believes she will distract me with a little idle chatter: hay, ducks, hens, visits of the doctor, everything is discussed; to 51 Matthew 5:40. 52 Matthew 5:41. 53 Luke 6:30. 54 She is writing in the garden in a wheelchair (note of Mother Agnes). 55 Psalm 101:8. 64 01.24 1-24-2024Appendix F tell the truth, this doesn’t last a long time, but there is more than one good charitable Sister, and all of a sudden another hay worker throws flowers on my lap, perhaps believing these will inspire me with poetic thoughts. I am not looking for them at the moment and would prefer to see the flowers swaying on their stems. Finally, fatigued by opening and shutting this famous copybook, I open a book (which doesn’t want to stay open) and say resolutely that I shall copy out some thoughts from the psalms and Gospels for the feast of Our Mother.56 It’s very true that I am not sparing in these quotes. 61\. Dear Mother, I would amuse you, I believe, when telling you about all my adventures in the groves of Carmel; I don’t know if I have been able to write ten lines without being disturbed; this should not make me laugh nor amuse me; however for the love of God and my Sisters (so charitable toward me) I take care to appear happy and especially to be so. For example, here is a hay worker who is just leaving me after having said very compassionately: “Poor little Sister, it must tire you out having to write like that all day long.” “Don’t worry,” I answer, “I appear to be writing very much, but really I am writing almost nothing.” “Very good!” she says, “but just the same, I am very happy we are doing the haying since this always distracts you a little.” In fact it is such a great distraction for me (without taking into account the infirmarians’ visits) that I am not telling any lies when I say that I am writing practically nothing. 62\. Fortunately, I don’t easily get discouraged and to prove it, I am going to finish explaining what Jesus makes me understand concerning charity. I have spoken to you only about external charity; now I would like to confide to you what I understand about purely spiritual charity. I am very sure I won’t be long in mixing the one with the other, but, since I am speaking to you, it will not be difficult for you to grasp my thought and to unravel your child’s skein. 63\. It is not always possible in Carmel to practice the words of the Gospel according to the letter. One is obliged at times to refuse a service because of one’s duties; but when charity has buried its roots deeply within the soul, it shows itself externally. There is such a delightful way of refusing what cannot be given that the refusal gives as much pleasure as the gift itself. It is true that one hesitates less to claim a service from a Sister who is always disposed to oblige but Jesus has said; “…and from him who would borrow of you, do not turn away.”57 Thus under the pretext that one would be forced to refuse, one must not stay away from the Sisters who are always in the habit of asking for help. Neither should one be obliging in order to appear so or in the hope that another time the Sister whom one obliges will return the service in her turn, for Our Lord says again: “And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive in return, what merit have you? For even sinners lend to sinners that they may get back as much in return. But do good, and lend, NOT HOPING FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN, and your reward shall be great.”58 64\. Oh yes! the reward is great, even on this earth; in this way it is only the first step that costs anything. To lend without hoping for anything appears difficult to nature; one would prefer to give, for a thing given no longer belongs to one. When one comes to you and says in a very 56 Mother Marie de Gonzague’s feast was on June 21, feast of St. Aloysius Gonzaga. 57 Matthew 5:42. 58 Luke 6:34-35. 65 convincing way: “Sister, I need your help for a few hours, but don’t worry, I have Mother’s permission and I will return the time you are giving me because I know how rushed you are.” Truly, when one know very well that never will the time one lends ever be returned, one would prefer to say: “I give it to you.” This would satisfy self-love, for giving is a more generous act than lending, and then we make the Sister feel we don’t depend on her services. Ah! how contrary are the teachings of Jesus to the feelings of nature! Without the help of His grace it would be impossible not only to put them into practice but to even understand them. 66 01.24 1-24-2024Appendix G --- **Source:** Secular Order of Discalced Carmelites, *Formation I Year A: The Way of Perfection* (US National Formation Program, 2024).