> [[tcj-soas-ics-04-a|← Previous]] | [[tcj-soas-ics-toc|TOC]] | [[tcj-soas-ics-04-c|Next →]] **THE DISTRESSING YEARS** # Chapter IV. First Communion, Boarding School While speaking about the visit to the Carmelites, I am reminded of the first visit which took place shortly after Pauline’s entrance. I forgot to speak [-20-] about it, but there is a detail that should not be omitted. The morning of the day I was to visit, I was thinking things over in my _bed_ (for it was there I made my profound meditations, and, contrary to the bride in the Canticles, I always found my Beloved there), I wondered what name I would be given in Carmel. I knew there was a Sister Thérèse of Jesus; however, my beautiful name of Thérèse could not be taken away from me. All of a sudden, I thought [31v°] of _Little_ Jesus whom I loved so much, and I said: “Oh! how happy I would be if they called me Thérèse of the Child Jesus!” I _said nothing_ during the visit about the _dream_ I had while wide awake. But to good _Mother Marie de Gonzague_, who was asking the sisters what name I should be given, came the idea of [-5-] calling me by the name I had _dreamed_ about. My joy was great and this happy meeting of minds seemed to be a singular favor from my beloved Child Jesus. I forgot several details of my childhood before your entrance into Carmel; for instance, I haven’t spoken about my love for picturesand reading. And still, dear Mother, I owe to the beautiful pictures you [-10-] gave me as rewards, one of the sweetest joys and strongest impressions that aided me in the practice of virtue. I was forgetting to say anything about the hours I spent looking at them. The _little_ _flower_ of the Divine Prisoner, for example, said so many things to me that I became deeply recollected. Seeing that the name of Pauline was written under the little flower, I wanted Thérèse’s name to be written there also and I offered myself [-15-] to Jesus as His _little flower_. I wasn’t too good at playing games, but I did love reading very much and would have spent my life at it. I had human _angels_, fortunately for me, to guide me in the choice of the books which, while being entertaining, nourished both my heart and my mind. And I was not to go beyond a certain time in my reading, which was the cause of great sacrifices to me as I had to interrupt [-20-] my reading very often at the most enticing passage. This attraction for reading lasted until my entrance into Carmel. To state the number of books that passed through my hands would be impossible, but never did God permit me to read a single one of them that was capable of doing me any harm. It is true that in reading certain tales of chivalry, I didn’t always understand the _realities_ of _life_; but soon God made me [32r°] feel that true glory is that which will last eternally, and to reach it, it isn’t necessary to perform striking works but to hide oneself and practice virtue in such a way that the left hand knows not what the right is doing.[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-62|62]] When reading the accounts of the [-5-] patriotic deeds of French heroines, especially the _Venerable_ JOAN OF ARC, I had a great desire to imitate them; and it seemed I felt within me the same burning zeal with which they were animated, the same heavenly inspiration. Then I received a grace which I have always looked upon as one of the greatest in my life because at that age I wasn’t receiving the _lights_ I’m [-10-] now receiving when I am flooded with them. I considered that I was born for _glory_ and when I searched out the means ofattaining it, God inspired in me the sentiments I have just described. He made me understand my own _glory_ would not be evident to the eyes of mortals, that it would consist in becoming a great _saint!_ This desire could certainly appear daring if one were [-15-] to consider how weak and imperfect I was, and how, after seven years in the religious life, I still am weak and imperfect. I always feel, however, the same bold confidence of be coming a great saint because I don’t count on my merits since I have _none_, but I trust in Him who is Virtue and Holiness. God alone, content with my weak efforts, [-20-] will raise me to Himself and make me a _saint_, clothing me in His infinite merits. I didn’t think then that one had to suffer very much to reach sanctity, but God was not long in showing me this was so and in sending me the trials I have already mentioned. Now I must take up my story where I left off. Three months after my cure Papa took us to Alençon. This was the first time I had gone back. My joy was very great when seeing the places where I had spent my childhood days and [32v°] especially when I was able to pray at Mama’s grave and ask her to protect me always. God gave me the grace of knowing the _world_ just enough to despise it and separate myself from it. I can say it was during [-5-] my stay at Alençon that I made my _first entrance_ into the _world_. Everything was joy and happiness around me; I was entertained, coddled, and admired; in a word, my life during those two weeks was strewn only with flowers. I must admit this type of life had its charms for me. Wisdom is right in saying: “_The bewitching of vanity_ _overturns the innocent mind!_”[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-63|63]] [-10-] At the age of ten the heart allows itself to be easily dazzled, and I consider it a great grace not to have remained at Alençon. The friends we had there were too worldly; they knew too well how to ally the joys of this earth to the service of God. They didn’t think about _death_ enough, and yet _death_ had paid its visit to a great number of those whom I knew, the young, the rich, the happy! [-15-] I love to return in spirit to the _enchanting_ places wherethey lived, wondering where these people are, what became of their houses and gardens where I saw them enjoy life’s luxuries? And I see that all is vanity and vexation of spirit under the sun,[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-64|64]] that the _only good_ is to love God with all one’s heart and to be _poor in spirit_ here on earth. [-20-] Perhaps Jesus wanted to show me the world before His _first_ _visit_ to me in order that I may choose freely the way I was to follow. The time of my First Communion remains engraved in my heart as a memory without any clouds. It seems to me I could not have been better disposed to receive Him than I was, and all my spiritual trials had left me for nearly a whole year. Jesus wished to make me taste a joy as perfect as is possible in this vale of tears. [33r°] Do you remember, dear Mother, the attractive little book you made for me three months before my First Communion? It aided me in preparing my heart through a sustained and thorough method. Although I had already prepared it for a long time, my heart needed a new thrust; it had to be filled with [-5-] _fresh flowers_ so that Jesus could rest there with pleasure. Every day I made a large number of fervent acts which made up so many _flowers_, and I offered up an even greater number of aspirations which you had written in my little book for every day, and these acts of love formed flower buds. You used to write me a nice little letter each week and this filled [-10-] my soul with deep thoughts and aided me in the practice of virtue. It was a consolation for your poor little girl who was making such a _great sacrifice_ in accepting the fact that she wasn’t being _prepared_ each evening on your knees as her dear Céline had been. Pauline was replaced by Marie. I sat on her lap and listened _eagerly_ to everything she said to me. [-15-] It seemed to me her _large and generous_ heart passed into my own. Just as famous warriors taught their children the art of war, so Marie spoke to me about life’s _struggles_and of the palm given to the victors. She spoke also about the eternal riches that one can so easily amass each day, and what a misfortune it was to pass by without so much as [-20-] stretching forth one’s hand to take them. She explained the way of becoming _holy_ through fidelity in little things; furthermore, she gave me a little leaflet called “Renunciation” and I meditated on this with delight. Ah! how _eloquent_ my dear godmother was! I would have liked not to be alone when listening to her profound teachings. I felt so touched that in my simplicity I believed that the greatest sinners would have been touched just like me and that, leaving all their perishable riches behind, they would no longer want to gain [33v°] any but those of heaven. At this time in my life nobody had ever taught me how to make mental prayer, and yet I had a great desire to make it. Marie, finding me pious enough, allowed me to make only my vocal prayers. One day, one of my teachers at the Abbey asked me what I did on my [-5-] free afternoons when I was alone. I told her I went behind my bed in an empty space which was there, and that it was easy to close myself in with my bed curtain and that “_I thought._” “But what do you think about?” she asked. “I think about God, about life, about ETERNITY... I _think!_” The good religious laughed heartily at me, and later on she loved reminding me of the [-10-] time when I _thought_, asking me if _I was still thinking_. I understand now that I was making mental prayer without knowing it and that God was already instructing me in secret. The three months of preparation passed by quickly, and very soon I had to go on retreat and for this had to become a real boarder, sleeping at the Abbey. I cannot [-15-] express the sweet memory this retreat left with me. And truly, if I suffered very much at the boarding school, I was largely repaid by the ineffable happiness of those few days spent in waiting for Jesus. I don’t believe one can taste this joy anywhere else but in religious communities. The number of children was small, and it was easy to give [-20-] each child particular attention, and certainly our teachers gave each of us their motherly care and attention. They spent more time with me than with the others, and each night the first mistress came, with her little lantern, and kissed me in my bed, showing me much affection. One night, touched by her kindness, I told her I was going to confide a _secret_ to her; and drawing out my _precious little book_ that was under my pillow, I showed it to her, my eyes bright with joy. In themorning, I found it very nice to see all the students getting up so early [34r°] and doing the same as they; but I was not yet accustomed to taking care of myself. _Marie_ was not there to comb and _curl_ my hair, and so I was obliged to go and timidly offer my comb to the mistress in charge of the dressing rooms. She laughed at seeing a big girl of eleven not knowing how to take care of herself, and still [-5-] she combed my hair but not as _gently_ as Marie. I didn’t dare cry, which happened every day under the _gentle_ hand of _godmother_. During my retreat I became aware that I was really a child who was fondled and cared for like few other children on earth, especially among those deprived of their mothers. Marie and Léonie came each day to see me, along with Papa, [-10-] who brought me all sorts of pastries. In this way, I didn’t suffer the privation of being far from the family, and so nothing came to darken the beautiful heaven of my retreat. I listened with great attention to the instructions Father Domin was giving us, even writing up a summary of them. As far as my own _thoughts_ were concerned, I didn’t want to write any of these down as I felt I would remember them. I was [-15-] right. I was very happy to be able to go with the religious to recite the Divine Office. I made a spectacle of myself among my companions by wearing a _big_ _crucifix_ Léonie had given me and which I held in my cincture like the missionaries; this crucifix was the envy of the religious who thought I wanted to imitate my [-20-] _Carmelite sister_ by carrying it. Ah! how my thoughts fled to her; and I knew that _my Pauline_ was also on retreat like me, not for Jesus to give Himself to her but to give herself to Him.[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-65|65]] This solitude spent in waiting for Him was doubly dear to me for this reason. I recall that one morning they made me go to the infirmary because I was coughing very much. Since my illness, the teachers paid a lot of attention to me and for a light headache or even if they saw me paler than [34v°] usual they sent me out to take some fresh air or to rest in the infirmary. I saw my _dear Céline_ coming to the Abbey. She had obtained permission to come and see me, in spite of the retreat, to give me a holy picture which pleased me very much. It was “The little flower of the Divine Prisoner.” Oh! how sweet it was [-5-] to receive this souvenir from _Céline’s_ hand! How many thoughts of love had I not experienced through it! On the evening of the great day, I received absolution for the second time. My general confession left a great peace in my soul, and God did not permit the lightest cloud to come and trouble me. In the afternoon, I begged [-10-] pardon from the _whole family_ who came to see me, but I wasn’t able to speak except through my tears, so much was I moved. Pauline wasn’t there, but I felt she was near me in spirit. She had sent me a beautiful _holy picture_ through Marie, and I never grew tired of admiring it or showing it to others to admire! I had written Father Pichon [-15-] to recommend myself to his prayers and to tell him that soon I would be a Carmelite and he would be my director. (This is what happened four years later, since it was to him I opened my soul.) Marie gave me a _letter from him_, and my happiness was complete! All these good things came to me together. What pleased me [-20-] very much in his letter was this sentence: “Tomorrow, I will ascend the altar to say Mass for you and your Pauline!” Pauline and Thérèse were becoming more and more united on May 8 since Jesus seemed to be joining them together and flooding them with His graces.The “beautiful day of days” finally arrived. The _smallest details_ of that heavenly day have left unspeakable memories in my soul! The joyous awakening at dawn, the _respectful_ embraces of the teachers and our [35r°] older companions! The large room filled with _snow-_ _white_ dresses in which each child was to be clothed in her turn! Above all, the procession into the chapel and the singing of the morning hymn: “O altar of God, where the angels are hovering!” I don’t want to enter into detail here. There are certain things that lose [-5-] their perfume as soon as they are exposed to the air; there are deep _spiritual thoughts_ which cannot be expressed in human language without losing their intimate and heavenly meaning; they are similar to “ ... _the white stone I will give to him who conquers, with a_ _name written on the stone which no one KNOWS except HIM who receives_ _it._”[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-66|66]] [-10-] Ah! how sweet was that first kiss of Jesus! It was a kiss of love; _I_ _felt_ that _I was loved_, and I said: “I love You, and I give myself to You forever!” There were no demands made, no struggles, no sacrifices; for a long time now Jesus and poor little Thérèse _looked_ at and understood each other. That day, it was no longer simply a _look_, it was a fusion; they were no longer two, Thérèse had vanished as a drop [-15-] of water is lost in the immensity of the ocean. Jesus alone remained; He was the Master, the King. Had not Thérèse asked Him to take away her _liberty_, for her _liberty_ frightened her? She felt so feeble and fragile that she wanted to be united forever to the divine Strength! Her joy was too great, too deep for her to contain, and tears of consolation soon flowed, [-20-] to the great consternation of her companions. They asked one another: “Why was she crying? Was there something bothering her?”—“No, it was because her mother was not there or her sister whom she loves so much, her sister the Carmelite.” They did not understand that all the joy of Heaven having entered my heart, this exiled heart was unable to bear it without shedding tears. Oh! no, the absence of Mama didn’t causeme any sorrow on the day of my First Communion. Wasn’t Heaven itself [35v°] in my soul, and hadn’t Mama taken her place there a long time ago? Thus in receiving Jesus’ visit, I received also Mama’s. She blessed me and rejoiced at my happiness. I was not crying because of Pauline’s absence. I would have been happy to see her by [-5-] my side, but for a long time I had accepted my sacrifice of her. On that day, joy alone filled my heart and I united myself to her who gave herself irrevocably to Him who gave Himself so lovingly to me! In the afternoon, it was I who made the Act of Consecration to the Blessed Virgin. It was only right that I _speak_ in the name of my companions to my mother in heaven, I who [-10-] had been deprived at such an early age of my earthly mother. I put all my heart into _speaking_ to her, into consecrating myself to her as a child throwing itself into the arms of its mother, asking her to watch over her. It seems to me the Blessed Virgin must have looked upon her little flower and _smiled_ at her, for wasn’t it she who cured her with a _visible_ _smile?_ Had she not placed [-15-] in the heart of her little flower her Jesus, the Flower of the Fields and the Lily of the valley?[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-67|67]] In the evening of that beautiful day, I found myself once more with my family. Already in the morning at the Mass, I had embraced _Papa_ and all my relatives. But now this was the real reunion and Papa took the hand of his little queen and brought her to _Carmel_. There I saw my _Pauline_ who had become the spouse of Jesus; I [-20-] saw her with her white veil, one like mine, and her crown of roses. Ah! my joy was without any bitterness. I hoped to be with her soon and to await _heaven_ with her! I was not indifferent to the family feast which took place the night of my First Communion. The beautiful watch my king gave me was the cause of great pleasure, but my joy was tranquil and nothing came to disturb my interior peace. Marie took me with her into her room on the night which followed this beautiful day, for the most brilliant days are followedby darkness; only the day of the first, the unique, [36r°] the eternal Communion of Heaven will be endless! The day after my First Communion was still beautiful, but it was tinged with a certain melancholy. The beautiful dress Marie had bought me, all the gifts I had received did not satisfy my heart. [-5-] Only Jesus could do this, and I longed for the moment when I could receive Him a second time. About a month after my First Communion, I went to confession for the Ascension and I dared ask permission to receive Holy Communion. Against all hope, the priest permitted it and so I had the happiness of kneeling at the communion railing [-10-] between Papa and Marie. What a sweet memory I have of this second visit of Jesus! My tears flowed again with an ineffable sweetness, and I repeated to myself these words of St. Paul: “It is no longer I that live, it is Jesus who lives in me![[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-68|68]] Since that Communion, my desire to receive grew more and more, and I obtained permission to [-15-] go to Holy Communion on all the principal feasts. On the eve of each of these happy days, Marie took me on her knees and prepared me as she did for my First Communion. I remember how once she was speaking to me about suffering and she told me that I would probably not walk that way, that God would always carry me as a child. [-20-] The day after my Communion, the words of Marie came to my mind. I felt born within my heart a _great desire_ to suffer, and at the same time the interior assurance that Jesus reserved a great number of crosses for me. I felt myself flooded with consolations so _great_ that I look upon them as one of the _greatest_ graces of my life. Suffering became my attraction; it had charms about it which ravished me without my understanding them very well. Up until this time, I had suffered without _loving_ suffering, but since this day [36v°] I felt a real love for it. I also felt the desire of loving only God, of finding my joy only in Him. Often during my Communions, I repeated these words of the Imitation: “O Jesus, unspeakable _sweetness_, change all theconsolations of this earth into _bitterness_ for me.”[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-69|69]] This prayer fell from [-5-] my lips without effort, without constraint; it seemed I repeated it not with my will but like a child who repeats the words a person he loves has inspired in him. Later I will tell you, dear Mother, how Jesus was pleased to realize my desire, and how He was always my ineffable _sweetness_. Were I to speak of this right now, I would be [-10-] anticipating the time of my life as a young girl, and there are many details about my life as a child that I have to give you. A short time after my First Communion, I entered upon another retreat for my Confirmation,[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-70|70]] I was prepared with great care to receive the visit of the Holy Spirit, and I did not understand why [-15-] greater attention was not paid to the reception of this sacrament of _Love_. Ordinarily, there was only one day of retreat made for Confirmation, but the bishop was unable to come on the appointed day and so I had the consolation of having two days of solitude. To distract us our mistress brought us to Mont Cassin[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-71|71]] and there I gathered very many _big daisies_ for the feast of Corpus Christi. Ah! how happy my soul was! [-20-] Like the apostles, I awaited the Holy Spirit’s visit with great happiness in my soul. I rejoiced at the thought of soon being a perfect Christian and especially at that of having eternally on my forehead the mysterious cross the bishop marks when conferring this sacrament. Finally the happy moment arrived, and I did not experience an impetuous wind at the moment of the Holy Spirit’s descent but rather this _light breeze_ which the prophet Elias heard on Mount Horeb.[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-72|72]] On that day, I received the strength to _suffer_, for soon afterward the martyrdom of my soul was about [37r°] to commence. It was my dear little Léonie who acted as my godmother, and she was so much moved that she was unable all through the ceremony to hold back her tears. She received Holy Communion with me, for I had the happiness on that beautiful day to unite myself with Jesus.[-5-] After these delightful and unforgettable feasts, my life returned to its _ordinary_ course, that is, I had to take up again life as a boarder and this was very painful. At the time of my First Communion, I loved this association with children of my own age, filled with good will, having made like myself the resolution of practicing virtue seriously. But now I had to come in contact with [-10-] students who were much different, distracted, and unwilling to observe regulations, and this made me very unhappy. I had a happy disposition, but I didn’t know how to enter into games of my age level; often during the recreations, I leaned against a tree and studied my companions at a distance, giving myself up to serious reflections! I had invented a game which pleased me, and it was to bury the poor little [-15-] birds we found dead under the trees. Many of the students wanted to help me, and so our cemetery became very beautiful, planted with trees and flowers in proportion to the size of our little feathered friends. I loved, too, to tell stories I made up as they came into my mind, and my companions gathered round me eagerly, and even the older ones mingled at times in the crowd of listeners. [-20-] The same story lasted for several days, for I liked to make it more and more interesting when I saw the impressions it produced and which were evident on my companions’ faces. Soon the mistress forbade me to continue in my role as _orator_, for she preferred to see us playing and running and not discussing. I grasped easily the meaning of things I was learning, but I had trouble learning things word for word. As far as catechism was concerned, I received permission to learn it during my recreation periods [37v°] almost every day of the year before my First Communion. My efforts were crowned with success and I was always first. If I lost my place accidentally by _forgetting one single_ _word_, my sadness was shown by the bitter tears I shed, [-5-] which Father Domin didn’t know how to stop. He was very much pleasedwith me (not when I was crying), and used to call me his _little doctor_ because my name was Thérèse. Once, a student who followed me did not know the catechism question to ask of her companion. Father Domin, having made the rounds of all the students in vain, came back to me and said he was going to see if I [-10-] deserved my place as first. In my _profound humility_ this was what I was waiting for; and rising with great assurance I said everything that was asked of me, to the great astonishment of everybody. After my First Communion, my zeal for catechism continued until my leaving boarding school. I succeeded very well in my studies, was almost always [-15-] first, and my greatest successes were history and composition. All my teachers looked upon me as a very intelligent student, but it wasn’t like that at Uncle’s house where I was taken for a little dunce, good and sweet, and with right judgment, yes, but incapable and clumsy. I am not surprised at this opinion which Uncle and Aunt [-20-] had of me, and no doubt still have, for I hardly ever spoke, being very timid. When I wrote anything, my _terrible scrawl_ and my spelling, which was nothing less than original, did not make much of an impression on anyone. In the little tasks of sewing, embroideries, and others, I succeeded well, it is true, in the estimation of my teachers; but the stiff and _clumsy way_ I _held my work_ justified the poor opinion they had of me. I look upon this as a grace: God, wanting my heart for [38r°] Himself alone, answered my prayer already “changing into bitterness all the consolations of earth.”[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-73|73]] I needed this all the more as I would not have been indifferent to praise. They often spoke highly of the intelligence of others in my presence, but of mine they never said a word, and so I concluded I didn’t have any and was resigned to [-5-] see myself deprived of it. My heart, sensitive and affectionate as it was, would have easily surrendered had it found a heart capable of understanding it. I tried to make friends with little girls my own age, and especially with twoof them. I loved them and they, in their turn, loved me insofar as they were _capable_. But alas! [-10-] how _narrow_ and _flighty_ is the heart of creatures! Soon I saw my love was misunderstood. One of my friends was obliged to go back to her family and she returned to school a few months later. During her absence, I _had thought about_ _her_, treasuring a little ring she had given me. When I saw my companion back again my joy was great, but [-15-] all I received from her was a cold glance. My love was not understood. I felt this and I did not beg for an affection that was refused, but God gave me a heart which is so faithful that once it has loved purely, it loves always. And I continued to pray for my companion and I still love her. When I noticed Céline showing affection for one of her teachers, I [-20-] wanted to imitate her, but not _knowing_ how to win the good graces of creatures, I was unable to succeed. O blessed ignorance! which has helped me avoid great evils! How can I thank Jesus for making me find “_only bitterness in earth’s friendships!_” With a heart such as mine, I would have allowed myself to be taken and my wings to be clipped, and then how would I have been able to “_fly and_ _be at rest?_”[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-74|74]] How can a heart given over to the affection of creatures be intimately united with God? I feel this is not possible. Without having drunk the poisoned cup [38v°] of a too ardent love of creatures, I _feel_ I cannot be mistaken. I have seen so many souls, seduced by this _false light_, fly like poor moths and burn their wings, and then return to the real and gentle light of _Love_ that gives them new wings which are more brilliant and delicate, [-5-] so that they can fly toward Jesus, that Divine Fire “which burns without consuming.”[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-75|75]] Ah! I feel it! Jesus knew I was too feeble to be exposed to temptation; perhaps I would have allowed myself to be burned entirely by the _misleading light_ had I seen it shining in my eyes. It was not so for me, for I encountered only bitterness where stronger souls met with joy, and [-10-] they detached themselves from it through fidelity. I have no merit at all, then, in not having given myself up to the love of creatures. I was preserved from it only through God’s mercy! I know that without Him, I could have fallen as low as St. Mary Magdalene, and the profound words of Our Lord to Simon resound with a great sweetness in my soul. I know that “_he_ [-15-] _to whom less_ is _forgiven_, LOVES _less_,”[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-76|76]] but I also know that Jesus _has forgiven me_ _more_ than _St. Mary Magdalene_ since He forgave me _in advance_ by preventing me from falling. Ah! I wish I could explain what I feel. Here is an example which will express my thoughts at least a little. Suppose a clever physician’s child meets with a stone in his path which [-20-] causes him to fall and break a limb. His father comes to him immediately, picks him up lovingly, takes care of this hurt, using all the resources of his profession for this. His child, completely cured, shows his gratitude. This child is no doubt right in loving his father! But I am going to make another comparison. The father, knowing there is a stone in his child’s way, hastens ahead of him and removes it but without anyone’s seeing him do it. Certainly, this child, [39r°] the object of his father’s tender foresight, but UNAWARE of the misfortune from which he was delivered by him, will not thank him and _will love him less_ than if he had been cured by him. But if he should come to learn the danger from which he escaped, _will he not love his father more?_ [-5-] Well, I am this child, the object of the _foreseeing love of a Father_ who has not sent His Word to save the _just,_ but _sinners_. [[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-77|77]] He wants me _to love_ Him because He _has_ _forgiven_ me not much but ALL. He has not expected me to _love Him_ _much_ like Mary Magdalene, but He has willed that I KNOW how He has loved me with a [-10-] love of _unspeakable foresight_ in order that now I may love Him unto _folly!_ I have heard it said that one cannot meet a pure soul who loves more than a repentant soul; ah! how I would wish to give the lie to this statement! I see I am far from my subject and hasten to [-15-] return to it. The year following my First Communion passed almost entirely withoutany interior trials for my soul. It was during my retreat for the second Communion [[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-78|78]] that I was assailed by the terrible sickness of scruples. One would have to pass through this martyrdom to understand it well, and for me to express what I suffered for [-20-] a _year and a half_ would be impossible. All my most simple thoughts and actions became the cause of trouble for me, and I had relief only when I told them to Marie. This cost me dearly, for I believed I was obliged to tell her the absurd thoughts I had even about her. As soon as I laid down my burden, I experienced peace for an instant; but this peace passed away like a lightning flash, and soon my martyrdom began over again. What patience my dear Marie needed to listen to me [39v°] without showing any annoyance! Hardly had I returned from the Abbey when she began to curl my hair for the next day (for every day, to please Papa, the little queen had her hair curled, to the surprise of her companions and especially the teachers, who did not see children so coddled by [-5-] their parents), and during the sitting, I did not stop crying while telling all my scruples. At the end of the year, Céline, having completed her studies, remained home and poor Thérèse was obliged to attend school alone. It wasn’t long before she got sick, for the only attraction which held her at the boarding school was to be with her inseparable Céline, and without her never could “_her little girl_” [-10-] stay there. I left the Abbey, then, at the age of thirteen, [[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-79|79]] and continued my education by taking several lessons a week at the home of “_Madame Papinau_.” She was a very good person, _very well educated_ but a little old-maidish in her ways. She lived with her mother, and it was charming to see the little household they made up together, all three of them (for the _cat_ [-15-] was one _of the family_, and I had to put up with its purring on my copybooks and even to admire its pretty form). I had the advantage of living within the intimacy of the family; as Les Buissonnets was too far for the somewhat old limbs of my teacher, she requested that I come and take the lessons in her home. When I arrived, I usuallyfound only [-20-] old lady Cochain who looked at me “_with her big clear_ _eyes_” and then called out in a calm, sententious voice: “_Madame_ _Pâpinau_... _Ma_... _d’môizelle Thê_... _rése est là!_...” Her daughter answered promptly in an _infantile_ voice: “Here I am, _Mama_.” And soon the lesson began. Who could believe it! In this antiquely furnished room, surrounded as I was by text books and copybooks, I was often present [40r°] at the visits of all types of persons; priests, ladies, young girls, etc. Madame Cochain took on the burden of the conversation as well as she could in order to allow her daughter to conduct my lesson, but on those days I didn’t learn very much. With my nose in the book, I heard everything that was said around me and even [-5-] those things it would have been better for me not to hear because vanity slips so easily into the heart. One lady said I had pretty hair; another, when she was leaving, believing she was not overheard, asked who the very beautiful young girl was. These words, all the more flattering since they were not spoken in my presence, left in my soul a [-10-] pleasurable impression that showed me clearly how much I was filled with self-love. Oh! how I pity souls that are lost! It is so easy to go astray on the flowery paths of the world. Undoubtedly, for a soul a little advanced spiritually, the sweetness which the world offers is mixed with bitterness, and the immense void of the desires cannot be filled by the praises of an instant. [-15-] However, if my heart _had not been raised to God from the_ _dawn of reason_, if the world had smiled on me from my entrance into life, what would have become of me? O my dear Mother, with what gratitude I sing the Mercies of the Lord! Did He not, according to the words of Wisdom: “... _draw me from the world before my spirit was_ _corrupted by its malice and before its_ [-20-] _deceitful appearances had seduced_ _my soul?_”[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-80|80]] The Blessed Virgin, too, watched over her little flower and, not wanting her to be tarnished by contact with worldly things, drew her to _her mountain_ before she blossomed. While awaiting this moment, little Thérèse grew in love for her heavenly mother, and toprove this love she performed _an action_ which _cost her very much_ and which I will recount in a few words in spite of its _length_. [40v°] Almost immediately after my entrance at the Abbey, I was received into the Association of the Holy Angels. I loved the pious practices it imposed, as I had a very special attraction to pray to the blessed spirits of heaven, particularly to the one whom God gave as the [-5-] companion of my exile. A short time after my First Communion, the ribbon of the aspirant to the Children of Mary replaced that of the Holy Angels, but I left the Abbey without being received into the Association of Mary. Having left before completing my studies, I did not have permission to enter as a student; I admit this privilege didn’t excite [-10-] my envy, but, thinking that all my sisters had been “children of Mary,” I feared I would be less a child of my heavenly mother than they were. I went very humbly (in spite of what it cost me) to ask for permission to be received into the Association at the Abbey. The mistress didn’t want to refuse me, but she placed as a [-15-] condition that I come twice a week in the afternoon in order to prove my worthiness. Far from giving me any pleasure, this permission cost me very much. For instance, I didn’t have, as did the other students, any teacher with whom I was on friendly terms and could spend several hours. I was content, therefore, to greet the one in charge, and then [-20-] go and work in silence until the end of the lesson. No one paid any attention to me, and I would go up to the choir of the chapel and remain before the Blessed Sacrament until the moment when Papa came to get me. This was my only consolation, for was not Jesus _my only Friend?_ I knew how to speak only to Him; conversations with creatures, even pious conversations, fatigued my soul. I felt it was far more valuable to speak to God than [41r°] to speak about Him, for there is so much self-love intermingled with spiritual conversations! Ah! it was really for the Blessed Virgin alone that I was coming to the Abbey. Sometimes I felt _alone_, very much alone, and as in the days of my lifeas a day boarder when I walked [-5-] sad and sick in the big yard, I repeated these words that always gave rise to a new peace and strength in my heart: “Life is your barque not your home!”[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-81|81]] When very little, these words gave me courage, and even now, in spite of the years which have put to flight so many impressions of childish piety, the image of the barque still charms [-10-] my soul and helps it put up with its exile. Doesn’t Wisdom say: “_Life_ is _like a ship that_ _plows the restless waves and leaves after it no trace of its rapid passage_”?[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-82|82]] When I think of these things, my soul is plunged into infinity, and it seems to me it already touches the eternal shore. I seem to be receiving the [-15-] embraces of Jesus. I believe I see my heavenly mother coming to meet me with Papa, Mama, the four little angels. I believe I am enjoying forever a real and eternal family reunion. Before seeing my family reunited around the _Paternal hearth_ of heaven, however, I [-20-] was to pass through many separations; the year, for instance, when I was received as a child of the Blessed Virgin, she took from me my dear Marie,[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-83|83]] the only support of my soul. It was Marie who guided, consoled, and aided me in the practice of virtue; she was my sole oracle. Pauline, no doubt, had remained well ahead in my heart, but Pauline was far, very far from me! I had suffered martyrdom getting accustomed to living without her, to seeing between me and her [41v°] impassable walls. But finally I ended up by recognizing the sad reality: Pauline is lost to me, almost in the same manner as if she were dead. She always loved me, prayed for me, but in my eyes _my_ dear _Pauline_ had become a saint who was no longer able to understand the things [-5-] of earth. And the miseries of her poor Thérèse, if she were aware of them, would only astonish her and prevent her from loving her Thérèse as much as she did. Besides, even when I would have desired to confide my thoughts to her as at Les Buissonnets, I could not have done so, for the visits at the Carmel were only for Marie.Céline and I had permission to come only at the _end_, just to [-10-] have the time to break our heart. And so, in reality, I had only Marie, and she was indispensable to me, so to speak. I told my scruples only to her and was so obedient that my confessor never knew my ugly malady. I told him just the number of sins Marie permitted me to confess, not one more, and could pass [-15-] as being the least scrupulous soul on earth in spite of the fact that I was scrupulous to the highest degree. Marie knew, then, everything that went on in my soul, and she knew my desires for Carmel. I loved her so much I couldn’t live without her. Aunt invited us to come every year, each in our turn, to her place at Trouville, and I should have [-20-] loved going there, but with Marie! When I didn’t have her with me, I was very much bored. Once I did enjoy going there, however, and it was the year of Papa’s trip to Constantinople. [[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-84|84]] To give us a little distraction (we were sad when we knew Papa was so far away), Marie sent us, Céline and me, to the seashore for two weeks. I enjoyed myself very much because I was with my Céline. Aunt provided us with all the amusements possible: donkey rides, fishing for eels, etc. I was still very much a child [42r°] in spite of my twelve and a half years, and I remember the joy I had putting on some pretty sky-blue ribbons Aunt had given me for my hair; I also recall having confessed at Trouville even this childish pleasure which seemed to be a sin to me. I had an [-5-] experience one evening that surprised me very much. Marie [Guérin], who was almost always ailing, often _whimpered_; and then Aunt babied her, giving her all kinds of endearing names, but my dear little cousin continued her crying and said she had a headache. I, who had a headache almost every day[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-85|85]] and didn’t complain, wanted [-10-] to imitate Marie. So one evening, sitting in an armchair in the comer of the parlor, I set about the business of crying. Soon Jeanne and Aunt hurried over to me, asking me what was the matter. I answered like Marie: “I have a headache.” Itseemed that complaining didn’t suit me, for I was unable to convince them that a headache would [-15-] make me cry; instead of babying me, they spoke to me as to an adult, and Jeanne scolded me for lacking confidence in Aunt, for she was convinced something was bothering my conscience. Getting nowhere for all my trouble, I made the resolution never to imitate others again, and I understood the fable about “_The donkey and the pet dog._”[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-86|86]] _I was the donkey_ that saw the caresses [-20-] the little dog was getting; he came and placed his clumsy hoof on the table to get his share of kisses. Although I didn’t get the blows of the cudgel like the poor animal, I did get what I deserved and this cured me for life of any desire to attract attention. The one effort I had made was far too costly! The following year, that of my dear Marie’s departure for Carmel, Aunt invited me again but this time all alone, and I was so much out of my element that [42v°] after two or three days I got sick and they had to bring me back to Lisieux. [[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-87|87]] My sickness, which they feared was serious, was only an attack of nostalgia for Les Buissonnets, for hardly had I put my foot in the house when my health returned. And it was from a child such as this that God was taking away the only [-5-] support which attached me to life! As soon as I learned of Marie’s determination, I resolved to take no pleasure out of earth’s attractions. Since my leaving the boarding school, I set myself up in _Pauline’s_ old painting room [[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-88|88]] and arranged it to suit my taste. It was a real bazaar, an assemblage of pious objects and [-10-] curiosities, a garden, and an aviary. Thus, at the far end on the wall was a _big cross_ in black wood, without a corpus, and several drawings I liked. On another wall, a basket, decorated with muslin and pink ribbons, contained some delicate herbs and flowers. Finally, on the last wall, was enthroned all by itself the portrait of _Pauline_ at the age of ten. [-15-] Beneath the portrait was a table and upon it was a _large cage_ which enclosed a _great_ number of birds; their melodious song got on the nerves of visitors but not on those of theirlittle mistress who cherished them very much. There was also the “_little white piece of furniture_” filled with my school books and copybooks, and on it [-20-] was set a statue of the Blessed Virgin, along with vases always filled with natural flowers, and candles. Around the statue was a number of small statues of the saints, little baskets made out of shells, cardboard boxes, etc.! My garden was _suspended_ in front of the window, and there I cultivated pots of flowers (the rarest I could find). I also had on the inside of “my museum” a flower stand on which I placed my privileged plant. In front of the [43r°] window was a table covered with a green cloth, and in the center were an _hourglass_, a small statue of St. Joseph, a watchcase, baskets of flowers, an inkwell, etc. A few _rickety_ chairs and a beautiful _doll’s_ cot belonging to _Pauline_ completed my furnishings. Truly, this [-5-] poor attic was a world for me and like Monsieur de Maistre I could compose a book entitled: “A Walk Around My Room.” It was in this room I loved to stay alone for hours on end to study and meditate before the beautiful view which stretched out before my eyes. When I learned of Marie’s departure, my _room_ lost [-10-] its attraction for me and I didn’t want to leave for one instant the dear sister who was to fly away soon. What acts of patience I made her practice! _Each time_ I passed in front of the door of her room, I knocked until she opened it and I embraced her with all my heart. I wanted to get a supply of kisses to make up for all the time I was to be deprived of them. [-15-] A month before her entrance into Carmel, Papa brought us to Alençon, [[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-89|89]] but this trip was far from resembling the first; everything about it was sadness and bitterness for me. I cannot express the tears I shed on Mama’s grave because I had forgotten to bring the bouquet of cornflowers I had gathered especially for her. I really made a big fuss over _everything!_ I was just the [-20-] opposite of what I am now, for God has given me the grace not to be downcast at any passing thing. When I think of the past, my soul overflows with gratitude when I see the favors I received from heaven. They have made such a change in me that I don’t recognize myself. It is true that I desired the grace “of having absolute control over my actions, of not being their slave but their mistress.”[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-90|90]] [43v°] These words of the Imitation touched me deeply, but I had to buy, so to speak, this inestimable grace through my desires; I was still only a child who appeared to have no will but that of others, and this caused certain people in Alençon to say I had a [-5-] weak character. It was during this trip that Léonie made her attempt to enter the Poor Clares. [[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-91|91]] I was saddened by her extraordinary entrance, for I loved her very much and I hadn’t even the chance to kiss her before her departure. Never will I forget the kindness and embarrassment of this poor little father of ours when he came to announce that Léonie had already received the habit of the Poor Clares. [-10-] He found this very strange, just as we did, but he didn’t want to say anything when he saw how unhappy Marie was about the matter. He took us to the convent and there I experienced a sort of _contraction of my heart_ such as I never felt at the sight of a monastery. This monastery produced the opposite effect which Carmel produced in me, for there everything made my heart expand. The sight of the religious didn’t attract me [-15-] in the least, and I was not tempted to remain among them. However, poor Léonie was very attractive in her new costume, and she told us to get a good look at _her eyes_ because we would no longer see them (the Poor Clares have a custom of going around with eyes downcast), but God was content with only two months of sacrifice, and Léonie returned to show us _her_ blue _eyes_ which were frequently [-20-] moist with tears. When leaving Alençon I believed she would remain with the Poor Clares, and so it was with a heavy heart I left the _sad_ street of _Demilune_ (half moon). We were only three now and soon our Marie was also to leave. October 15 was the day of separation! From the happy and numerous family of Les Buissonnets there remained onlythe two youngest children. The doves had flown from the paternal nest, and those who remained would have loved to fly in their turn, but their wings [44r°] were still too weak for them to take flight. God, who willed to call to Himself the smallest and weakest of all, hastened to develop her wings. He, who is pleased to show His goodness and power by using the least worthy instruments, willed to [-5-] call me before calling Céline who no doubt merited this favor more. But Jesus knew how weak I was and it was for this reason He hid me first in the crevice of the rock.”[[tcj-soas-ics-20#^tcj-fn-ch4-92|92]] When Marie entered Carmel, I was still very scrupulous. No longer able to confide in her I turned toward heaven. I addressed myself to the [-10-] four angels who had preceded me there, for I thought that these innocent souls, having never known troubles or fear, would have pity on their poor little sister who was suffering on earth. I spoke to them with the simplicity of a child, pointing out that being the youngest of the family, I was always the most loved, the most covered with [-15-] my sisters’ tender cares, that if they had remained on earth they, too, would have given me proofs of their affection. Their departure for heaven did not appear to me as a reason for forgetting me; on the contrary, finding themselves in a position to draw from the divine treasures, they had to take _peace_ for me from these treasures and thus show me that in heaven they still knew how to love! The answer was not long in [-20-] coming, for soon peace came to inundate my soul with its delightful waves, and I knew then that if I was loved on earth, I was also loved in heaven. Since that moment, my devotion for my little brothers and sisters has grown and I love to hold dialogues with them frequently, to speak with them about the sadness of our exile, about my desire to join them soon in the fatherland!. **FIRST COMMUNION,** **BOARDING SCHOOL** --- ## Footnotes ## Chapter 4 62\. [[matthew-06#^matthew-06-3|Mt 6:3]]\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-62 63\. [[wisdom-04#^wisdom-04-12|Wis 4:12]]\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-63 64\. [[ecclesiastes-02#^ecclesiastes-02-11|Eccl 2:11]]. ^tcj-fn-ch4-64 65\. Sister Agnes of Jesus was in retreat for profession, which was to take place the same day as Thérèse made her First Communion. ^tcj-fn-ch4-65 66\. [[revelation-02#^revelation-02-17|Rev 2:17]]\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-66 67\. [[song-of-songs-02#^song-of-songs-02-1|Song 2:1]]\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-67 68\. [[galatians-02#^galatians-02-20|Gal 2:20]]\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-68 69\. _The Imitation of Christ_ III, 26:3\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-69 70\. Thérèse was confirmed by Bishop Hugonin, bishop of Bayeux, June 14, 1884\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-70 71\. “A little hill behind the Benedictines’ garden and part of their property” (note of Mother Agnes of Jesus). ^tcj-fn-ch4-71 72\. [[1-kings-19#^1-kings-19-12|1 Kings 19:12–13]]\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-72 73\. _The Imitation of Christ_ III, 26:3\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-73 74\. [[psalm-55#^psalm-55-7|Ps 55[54]:7]] ^tcj-fn-ch4-74 75\. St. John of the Cross, _The Living Flame of Love_, 2\.3\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-75 76\. [[luke-07#^luke-07-47|Lk 7:47]]\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-76 77\. [[matthew-09#^matthew-09-13|Mt 9:13]]\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-77 78\. This retreat took place May 17–21, 1885\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-78 79\. Thérèse left the Abbey in the course of the second trimester of the 1885–86 school year. ^tcj-fn-ch4-79 80\. [[wisdom-04#^wisdom-04-11|Wis 4:11]]\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-80 81\. Verse from Lamartine’s poem called “Reflection.” Thérèse cites it from memory and Mother Agnes of Jesus corrects her by saying: “She made a mistake. It is: ‘_Time_ and not _life_...’ So: ‘Time is your barque, not your home.’” ^tcj-fn-ch4-81 82\. [[wisdom-05#^wisdom-05-10|Wis 5:10]]\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-82 83\. Marie entered the Carmel of Lisieux, October 15, 1886\. Thérèse was received as a Child of Mary, May 31, 1887, not 1886\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-83 84\. Monsieur Martin left at the end of August 1885; Thérèse was at Trouville in midSeptember. ^tcj-fn-ch4-84 85\. Thérèse’s headaches came to her especially in May 1885. She was on vacation (without Céline) at the Chalet des Roses at Deauville. ^tcj-fn-ch4-85 86\. La Fontaine, _Fables_, IV, 5\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-86 87\. This took place in July 1886\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-87 88\. One of the two attics on the second floor. ^tcj-fn-ch4-88 89\. It was actually a few days before Marie’s departure. ^tcj-fn-ch4-89 90\. _The Imitation of Christ_ III, 38:1\. ^tcj-fn-ch4-90 91\. October 7, 1886\. “She went to express her desires to the mother superior, who encouraged her to enter immediately and gave her the postulant’s ‘little habit,’ which is similar to the novices in this order” (note of Mother Agnes of Jesus). ^tcj-fn-ch4-91 92\. [[song-of-songs-02#^song-of-songs-02-14|Song 2:14]]. ^tcj-fn-ch4-92 --- **Source:** [[scriptorium/books-personal/personal-bibliography#^biblio-tcj-soas-ics|Thérèse, *Story of a Soul*]] > [[tcj-soas-ics-04-a|← Previous]] | [[tcj-soas-ics-toc|TOC]] | [[tcj-soas-ics-04-c|Next →]]